Some of this post was written last night and some this morning that is why there is reference to tonight and yesterday in regards to the same events.  Enjoy!

Tonight’s assignment is to write about what about my journey and experiences so far that scares me. This is an interesting assignment since there is such a wide scope of interpretation. What scares me mentally, emotionally, physically or on some other level varies.

I guess I will start with what comes to mind immediately when asked this question and that is what scares me about this physically. This is probably the hardest one for me to answer. In my current situation I have an extremely high level of trust with the Sir that is training me. Granted there is still some fear of the unknown because there are so many things I have not experienced but I also have the trust that while there will be pain I will leave the experience without permanent or debilitating damage.

That said and done I have to say that trust has a limit so there will always be at least a little fear of what is happening or will happen. To me that fear is part of the experience and helps to heighten it. I guess that is where the mental level comes in.  The physical and the mental are closely intertwined for me.

The mental part is probably the biggest portion of the experience for me. I very much crave the control aspect of the Dominant /submissive relationship.  Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the bondage aspect of it all and that does give physical control which I enjoy. But something as simple as a command to kneel can change my whole mindset and mentally put me in a very good place.

I don’t even have to be in the same place physically to get the enjoyment out of the mental side of the experience, just being given the assignment to write about my experiences triggers the whole mental side of the experience for me. Actually, sitting down and writing it a couple of hours after the assignment was given triggers the mental satisfaction again.

Onward to the emotional fears which are the hardest to discuss for me. Facing emotional fears opens vulnerabilities and I am not used to that in my daily life.  I usually have a very guarded emotional state which gives what is surely a false sense of control. That may be one of the things I fear about a Dom/sub relationship the most. I believe in a Dom/sub relationship there needs to be complete openness and honesty (especially from the sub). That means laying all the cards on the table.

That is a scary prospect. Physically giving yourself is probably easiest. That can be taken by force anyway. Mentally would have to be next hardest because you have to have a certain mindset to give physically.  Emotionally, for me anyway, is the hardest. Emotional wounds run deep and don’t heal easily.

So with all that said I guess it would be best to get back to the answer to the assignment.  What scares me about my journey and experiences so far and anticipated in the future? Failure – that would be it in one word. When I say failure I am referring to doing or saying something that disappoints Sir. I know it sounds stupid and cliché but I have a strong inner desire to please Sir and my biggest fear in all of this is that somehow I will fail to do that be it on any level. Failure leads to rejection and I don’t handle rejection to well, I take it very personally. Sir knows that the worst punishment to me is to be sent away and ignored. There is no physical pain that can compare with that.

Well that was a long answer to a short question.  Having completed my assignment I would like to take a few minutes to describe my recent experience with a hood.

Yesterday I was put in the hood for the first time in at least 10 years. You see many years ago I was hooded and it only lasted about 3 minutes before I ended the scene with a safe word (the only time I have ever done that) and it was all because I freaked out because I couldn’t hear with the hood on. Back then I did totally get a little panicked so I have never done it again. Blindfolds and gags have always been okay but losing my sense of hearing really bothered me. 

So I wanted to try it again and see if I could handle it because again I always want to please Sir and I assume that at some point the hood would come up and I wanted to be able to do it. Sir was very understanding and allowed me to try the hood on yesterday.

I have to admit at first it was a little scary again and I think mostly from remembering the panic last time I tried it. My breathing was a little shallow and fast and my heart rate was up. There was even a little breathing control to demonstrate all aspects of the hood to me. I managed to keep calm and wear the hood for quite some time, even getting a few hits now and again on my chest. I was also restrained during this time so that added to the experience.

So far my journey (and it has only just begun) has been an incredible experience on all the levels I discussed earlier. I look forward to it continuing for a long time with many new experiences to come. So check back often to see how I am progressing.