A slave's Journey

2008-11-16T08:04:00.000-08:00

Some of this post was written last night and some this morning that is why there is reference to tonight and yesterday in regards to the same events. Enjoy!

Tonight’s assignment is to write about what about my journey and experiences so far that scares me. This is an interesting assignment since there is such a wide scope of interpretation. What scares me mentally, emotionally, physically or on some other level varies.

I guess I will start with what comes to mind immediately when asked this question and that is what scares me about this physically. This is probably the hardest one for me to answer. In my current situation I have an extremely high level of trust with the Sir that is training me. Granted there is still some fear of the unknown because there are so many things I have not experienced but I also have the trust that while there will be pain I will leave the experience without permanent or debilitating damage.

That said and done I have to say that trust has a limit so there will always be at least a little fear of what is happening or will happen. To me that fear is part of the experience and helps to heighten it. I guess that is where the mental level comes in. The physical and the mental are closely intertwined for me.

The mental part is probably the biggest portion of the experience for me. I very much crave the control aspect of the Dominant /submissive relationship. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the bondage aspect of it all and that does give physical control which I enjoy. But something as simple as a command to kneel can change my whole mindset and mentally put me in a very good place.

I don’t even have to be in the same place physically to get the enjoyment out of the mental side of the experience, just being given the assignment to write about my experiences triggers the whole mental side of the experience for me. Actually, sitting down and writing it a couple of hours after the assignment was given triggers the mental satisfaction again.

Onward to the emotional fears which are the hardest to discuss for me. Facing emotional fears opens vulnerabilities and I am not used to that in my daily life. I usually have a very guarded emotional state which gives what is surely a false sense of control. That may be one of the things I fear about a Dom/sub relationship the most. I believe in a Dom/sub relationship there needs to be complete openness and honesty (especially from the sub). That means laying all the cards on the table.

That is a scary prospect. Physically giving yourself is probably easiest. That can be taken by force anyway. Mentally would have to be next hardest because you have to have a certain mindset to give physically. Emotionally, for me anyway, is the hardest. Emotional wounds run deep and don’t heal easily.

So with all that said I guess it would be best to get back to the answer to the assignment. What scares me about my journey and experiences so far and anticipated in the future? Failure – that would be it in one word. When I say failure I am referring to doing or saying something that disappoints Sir. I know it sounds stupid and cliché but I have a strong inner desire to please Sir and my biggest fear in all of this is that somehow I will fail to do that be it on any level. Failure leads to rejection and I don’t handle rejection to well, I take it very personally. Sir knows that the worst punishment to me is to be sent away and ignored. There is no physical pain that can compare with that.

Well that was a long answer to a short question. Having completed my assignment I would like to take a few minutes to describe my recent experience with a hood.

Yesterday I was put in the hood for the first time in at least 10 years. You see many years ago I was hooded and it only lasted about 3 minutes before I ended the scene with a safe word (the only time I have ever done that) and it was all because I freaked out because I couldn’t hear with the hood on. Back then I did totally get a little panicked so I have never done it again. Blindfolds and gags have always been okay but losing my sense of hearing really bothered me.

So I wanted to try it again and see if I could handle it because again I always want to please Sir and I assume that at some point the hood would come up and I wanted to be able to do it. Sir was very understanding and allowed me to try the hood on yesterday.

I have to admit at first it was a little scary again and I think mostly from remembering the panic last time I tried it. My breathing was a little shallow and fast and my heart rate was up. There was even a little breathing control to demonstrate all aspects of the hood to me. I managed to keep calm and wear the hood for quite some time, even getting a few hits now and again on my chest. I was also restrained during this time so that added to the experience.

So far my journey (and it has only just begun) has been an incredible experience on all the levels I discussed earlier. I look forward to it continuing for a long time with many new experiences to come. So check back often to see how I am progressing.

Leather Pride in Palm Springs

2008-11-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

So I have been assigned to write about my weekend experience during leather pride in Palm Springs. Getting to this assignment was a big part of the weekend for me. I spent a majority of my weekend at a local leather store owned by the person who has been my mentor as I have made my entry back into the leather community.

He has been there since I said I wanted to get back into the leather community guiding me along. It started mostly when I decided to enter a local leather contest and I asked for his assistance with clothing and it has turned into much more. He not only helped me outfit myself with clothes for the contest he helped me gain a better understanding of the leather community and where I might fit in. That was a whole other emotional journey.

This weekend I spent a lot of time Friday and Saturday in his establishment restrained in various ways and getting flogged, which by the way is something he helped me discover I really enjoy. I spent most of the time blindfolded which is a major part of the experience for me but on Saturday night after several hours of standing in various restrained positions I was allowed to get into the puppy cage to rest. Once I was in the cage and properly restrained with blindfold removed, I lay there feeling completely happy from my days adventure. I had to leave in a short while to do some volunteer work for Leather Pride Weekend so I did not sleep although if I had not needed to leave I would have happily slept in that cage n the middle of the busy store. But while I lay there every now and then I would look up and see my mentor and he would smile at me and that made me feel so good.

At the end of the night he told me to wear my wrist restraints for the rest of the evening while I did my volunteer work. I wore them with great pride along with the bruise on my chest from a flogging the day before that I wore like a badge of honor.

While I enjoyed it – a lot –and it reinforced that I really like being controlled and pleasing the person in control it was Sunday that was a special day for me. Sunday the second day of our street fair was canceled due to bad weather. The fair was on the street that my mentors store is on so I thought he would be upset about the loss of business for the day. I headed to the store telling myself to not take it personally if he was upset and did not want me in the store that day because I tend to take some things too personally. When I showed much to my surprise he was in very good spirits.

He had a lot of extra help in the store for the street fair and they were all there. I stood outside watching the clean-up work from the street fair. Finally, I was told to come in, so I did. At all my previous visits to the store when I got there and it was busy I was told to stay away from the sales counter area so I was trying to do that. Whenever a customer would come in I would step away from the area and look at one of the local papers or step outside. Then I was told to come up to the counter area and “fit in” with the employees and his partner. I stepped up to the counter and started to partake in some of the conversations while customers came in and out of the store.

During the day I noticed a customer looking at some bondage items on one wall. I walked over and asked if he was looking to restrain someone and he said he liked getting restrained and was looking for some items to be used on him. He also said he was new to the leather scene and bondage so he was a little unsure about things. I told him that the items he was looking at were okay for occasional play but if he was interested in anything more serious he might want to consider something better. I showed him the restraints I was wearing and told him I had used the product he was looking at and what I was wearing was much better. I told him that I liked being restrained and flogged. He also liked being flogged. I took him and showed him some restraints like mine. I then took them off the shelf and asked if he would like to try them on. He liked the idea very much so I proceeded to put them on him. He said how they were much nicer than the Velcro restraints he was currently using and they looked very complicated. I proceeded to explain to him how they worked and why. It felt really good to help someone who was very new to leather to understand a little better and know there are many others like him. I felt like I was passing on information that my mentor had helped me learn.

After that I kind of stepped up and started talking to customers (two more that were also new to leather) and helping them. I actually was able to help one pick a vest and properly fit him and another find an armband and understand about where he wears his leather and what different colors mean. When I came to something I was unsure about I went to my mentor and asked him for advice on what I was doing or to ask him to take over because I was not knowledgeable enough with particular items to help effectively.

At the end of the day he sat in the big chair in the store and had me show him the marks on my body from my weekend floggings. Then he sat back in the chair and lay me against him to hold me and talk to me. He told me how proud he was of me over the weekend and how proud he was that I had stepped up during the day and helped out with customers. He then talked to me about what he had in mind for me over the next year in the way of training for the next years contests and that I would be working toward earning my lock.

During our conversation he told me I could keep the restraints I was wearing and I did not have to pay for them. He told me that I had earned them by making him proud of me. He told me that is how a boy earns his leather by making daddy proud.

I know it seems small but to me it was something very big. I realized too that earned leather is way more precious that bought leather. These restraints are my first earned leather and no matter what comes later these restraints ( they are sitting right here with me as my inspiration to write) will always be very special to me. I am very happy to have made Daddy proud but I am also proud of me for having earned something from him.

During my times of restraint this weekend and times of just sitting (with my mouth shut which is unusual for me) I had a lot of time to think. I thought lot about why I liked being restrained and controlled and why I wanted to let someone do that to me and give control over to someone like that. I realized that during my few breaks I was given to walk around the street fair (still with my restraints clipped together in front of me) that I needed the direction and focus in my life. I tend to move in many directions at once and never really progressing too quickly. Having someone to give me things like writing this journal to do gives me focus and direction.

I am still here...

2008-11-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

Okay I am in a point of transition at the moment and I have deleted a couple of past posts because they were not very well written. I want to rewrite one of them and I will post it again later. I have some things written that I want to post later but I need to clarify some things I wrote about before I publish them.

About me and why I am starting this journey

2008-09-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

For this first entry I just wanted to take a few lines of cyberspace to say something about me and what I am doing and why and why I am writing this blog.

I am a gay man in Palm Springs that has lived in the desert for about 10 years. I have come to a point in my life that I want to try new things and expand my horizons physically, mentally and sexually. Although this blog says it is about my journey into the world of leather and BDSM I must begin by saying that I actually tried these things before about 12 years ago when I lived in San Diego. It was quite by accident and a journey then that started when someone just grabbed me and told me I was taking the journey. At the time I was not ready for the trip even though I did enjoy what I tried.

That short journey was terrific for me but I was not mentally ready to continue it. I will write about that in a later posting.

So now I have come to the point that mentally I am ready to head down this road again, this time with the proper mental attitude and knowledge of what I am doing.

I have known for years that I have a very submissive personality despite the fact that most of my friends would probably disagree. I am an Aries and on the surface and the face I present to others is quite agressive and in charge. Amazing how who we are and who others think we are can be so different.

Well I had a taste of an interaction in the leather community on Sept 21 at the Faultline in Silverlake, CA (Los Angeles area for those outside of the Southern California area.) But at this point I am going to stop - mainly because I am out of time to write - and I will write about that and what it did for me in my next post.

I would like to say that one of the reasons I am doing this is so others that decide to take a trip down this road will have something to relate to. I have found a couple of sites on the internet that have been helpful to me but a first hand experience I feel would be very helpful to others and very good for me!

Until next time Sir!